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The Southpaw Chronicles: Brandon Banks

Posted by Brian Tinsman on December 30, 2011 – 2:19 pm

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After Brandon Banks revealed to the world that he was a lefty with a gadget touchdown pass against the New England Patriots, it piqued my interest in the left-handers on the team.

It turns out that lefties comprise 15 percent of the population, but are a brilliant class of people.  There are many famous lefties, including four of the last six presidents, Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great, and Bart Simpson.

With the help of Redskins.com’s Jessica Monaldo and receiver Anthony Armstrong, I identified the southpaws on the team, and sought to find out what makes them so brilliant.

I began my search with Banks, the man who inspired my mission.

Banks’s world-class speed is well documented, and vision allows him to find creases in the coverage, and accelerate upfield.  Although rarely used, he also has the type of game-changing speed on offense that forces defenses to respect all that he can do.

But according to a Yahoo! Sports contribution by Rebecca Bardelli, Banks also has some of the best hair in the NFL.  Now, as  the article states in its title, this is the female perspective, written for the female fan.  And Banks is quite proud of his accomplishment:

Banks said he didn’t know how he was selected, but credits the key to his success to Miss Connie, his personal hair dresser, who he visits twice a month.

“I get it washed every other week, or sometimes just once a month in season,” he revealed.  “I don’t know what she uses in my hair, but whatever it is, it’s working.”

He also made sure to add in his theory as to why he was selected, much to the amusement of locker neighbor Josh Wilson:

His long-haired teammates were skeptical, however, unsure that he had even the best hair on the team.

“According to who?  Nooo, no,” said cornerback Kevin Barnes.  “I’d say me and Donte’ [Stallworth] are better on this team.  Y’know, I can appreciate Logan Paulsen’s flow, and Jonathan Crompton is getting there too.  So, I dunno about all that.”

Receiver patriarch Stallworth confirmed Barnes’s assessment.

“Really?  Noo,” he said, upon hearing the news.  “You can barely see Banks’s little hair.  He’s still a youngster, he’s still growing.  He needs until about 2013 before he’s on point.

“If he’s No. 3, I need to be No. 2.”

After hearing that he didn’t make the list, he said, “Tell the author that she messed up by not putting me on there.”

As far as who he would give credit to, he responded, “Hmmm…probably just me.  But I respect Logan’s locks–he looks like Thor with that hair.”

Despite his appreciation from the female perspective, Banks remains a disputed team champion from the male perspective.  And such is the plight of another under-appreciated southpaw.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “The Southpaw Chronicles: Brandon Banks”

  1. By tibbs on Dec 31, 2011 | Reply

    yeah jus worry about your hair, no playoffs, 0 probowlers, no quarterback, douche wad owner and they worry about hair ugghhh

  2. By timmeh on Dec 31, 2011 | Reply

    hair really? c’mon man.

  3. By poppyshoes on Dec 31, 2011 | Reply

    Really? Stop it! I’m a female and I don’t want to hear anything about hair! This is football, focus on this last game please. Leave that mess till offseason.

  4. By jim horath on Jan 1, 2012 | Reply

    agree with all bloggers about hair. GET THAT UGLY MESS CUT to look like a pro football player instead of a RAP star !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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